Day Nine - Reading signs

First, I'd like to apologize to the woman I mistook for a dog.

Second, today I learned an important lesson. It's important to look for signs. Not cosmic signs - this is not the spiritual mumbo jumbo blog - actual signs. Like, with words. Or sometimes pictures. You'll understand soon enough.

Let me tell you, muffins, I had no desire to go out running today. None. Work was... tiring, let's say, and really, I just wanted to come home and veg out, as the kids say. "The kids" being me and my peers in the midst of our 1990's adolescence.

But.... I'm pretending I'm accountable to people reading this thing (are there people reading this thing? I might not want to know the answer if it's no), so off I went. I really don't understand the people who eagerly "hit the gym" after work each day. I'm wholly convinced that there was some sort of electroshocktherapy in there somewhere. Or maybe hypnosis by treadmill. Don't ask me.

There's an idea for a horror movie... a possessed elliptical machine that keeps people... um, ellipting (?) until they drop dead. Wes Craven could direct.

Today, however, was not a gym day, but an outside day. I might prefer the possessed elliptical to the Tennessee mugginess, but thank the everloving Lord, the heat seems like it might, maybe, possibly, please God, be breaking soon. But here's how today went down:


The Goal:

Warm up one mile. Switch off every two minutes between a hard run and an easy run, for one mile. Cool down one mile.

The Result:

This is where the sign thing comes in. Because if I'd read the Big Ass Sign on the walking path, I would have known where the one mile mark was and I wouldn't have run an extra half mile, resulting in what I'm sure was some highly attractive panting and wheezing.
Oh and "hard run" in this case meant jog to moderate run, whereas "easy run" meant brisk walk.

Today's Suck:

Other than not seeing the sign and exerting myself more than necessary (gradual, people, remember, we're going to leave the "Push It" mentality to Salt n' Pepa, and I promise that's my last '90s reference of the day), I just really wonder if I'm actually ever going to be able to run (outside) for more than two minutes in a row and even do that without having an borderline asthma attack. And I couldn't even do the hard/easy run thing.

Today's Success:

It's starting to feel really lame to say my success of the day was trying at all. Okay, I actually did the 2 minute run/walk interval thing.... I think before this, I'd been on more of a 1 minute run/two minute walk deal. So, all right, that's progress. At a slimy, slimy snail's pace.

Oh, and I'm going to go get an Italian soda. I'm not even putting that under the suck category because it's something I utterly should not do, but I'm feeling smug in my defiance of should right now.

Day Eight - Crazy crunchers

One of the reasons I don't like going to the gym is because I never seem to have enough attention span to stay on one piece of equipment (other than possibly a treadmill) long enough to not feel like I'm lacking in some sort of human ability to actually get an effective workout.

Today was definitely an exercise A.D.D. day. And not even in the gym.

The Goal:

Cross train 30-45 minutes

The Result:

As cross training is described as any non-walking or running cardio, I decided to check out some online dance videos. And no, I don't mean the kind you find on YouTube.

First one I found was a Crunch Fitness cardio salsa. From the first minute, it taught me a very important lesson. Crunch Fitness is a crazy place. If I can tell that from the video, I don't want to know what the inside of one of those places is. I got annoyed with it after about 5 minutes.

So then I went to my Dancing With the Stars DVD. Here's the thing: I really love dancing with a partner. I like having a lead. But when it comes to dancing by myself, trying to follow steps and an order, there's one problem: I have trouble with my left and right. Yeah, I know. I'm 30 and I still have to make the L sign with my fingers to know which one is my left hand. Don't start with me.

So between that and the whole going the opposite way of the person you're facing on the screen... well, I like having a lead. So that lasted.... maybe 15 minutes? I didn't keep track.

So attempt three. My hula hoop. This one I'm pretty good at, and I can do it to music or in front of the TV. Putting on the DVD of Glee, which is kind of flippin' charming, accomplished both. So, again, didn't time it, but I'm guessing about 20 minutes.

I think it might have been easier to have just sucked up an elliptical, but I rarely last more than ten minutes on those things.

Maybe I should think about getting a bike. I'd like one in pink. With a basket.


Today's Suck:

Today I had the attention span of a three year old. I'm not sure if I actually did work out the full 30 minute minimum (I think I did) and while I did break a sweat... I don't know, I just kind of feel like I slacked on it today.

Today's Success:

Well, the point is to slowly develop an exercise routine, not to be a Spandex-clad gym bitch. So the fact that I tried again after one thing failed me (or I failed at it) is a good sign. Also, I confirmed that my Crunch of choice is Nestle's (though if you're going standard American chocolate, Hershey's is far, far superior).

Day Seven - Peanut butter and penance

Tell me: when it is that the notion of a good, old-fashioned PB&J became something associated with guilt? It's really quite irritating.

Here's what happened: I decided I wanted a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. But as peanut butter is my Kryptonite, I don't keep it in the house. So I'm on my way out the door and I can't help thinking that I just shouldn't. Grrrrrrrr......

So instead, I'm making homemade raw mixed nut and seed butter in my food processor, to be eaten with organic superfruit spread on locally baked multigrain bread. Which is tasty and all, but sometimes you just want to go old school, you know?

Hey, at least I'm better about it than a lot of people. You know them: "Oh god, no! No! I can't have bread! Nuts have fat!" Insert weeping and pants-wetting... yeah, all right, I'm in good shape.

All right, let's go from bringing in calories to burning them off.

The Goal:

Rest and relax

The Result:

As awesome as I am at not working out, I wanted to make up for yesterday's total fail. So when I woke up (involuntarily) at 6:30 this morning, I decided to go out and complete yesterday's one mile run/run-walk. Which was followed by my staggering back into bed and oversleeping.


Today's Suck:

Even though my walk-run was probably 75% walk (the run part included about a 50 yard full out sprint), it still took a lot out of me. I wonder if that has anything to do with not drinking any water beforehand?*

Today's Success:

Getting my ass out of bed and exercising, even if it was only temporary consciousness; making a healthier choice in terms of food.

*Yes, I am a master of logic.

Day Six - Something about eating

What's the saying about eating something or being eaten? Does it mean some days you do good and other days you don't? Odd expressions we have.

The Goal:

Run or run-walk one mile.

The Reality:

Yeah, massive fail today. I planned to get up and go to the gym before the 9 a.m. Weight Watchers meeting. Oddly, falling asleep at 3:30 a.m. made that not happen. Funny that, eh? But I did get to the meeting.

Around 10:15, I put on my sneakers and headed out. And... made it about 100 yards before every fiber of my being was saying "the hell with this," so back home for Holly.

Which apparently was the predecessor to me catching up on that lost sleep.

And I intended to actually get out or to the gym in the late afternoon, but.... you know what they say about the road to Hell. Sigh.

Saturday Special: The Weigh-In Day (one Saturday a month and possibly one day a week depending on certain red tape):

138 lbs


Today's Suck:

See above. Total fail on the goal. Oh, and I've gained 3 lbs in the last six weeks.

Today's Success:

Ummmm.... I didn't go out and eat copious amounts of pizza and ice cream? Oh, I made a good smoothie. Try this.

3 cups spinach
1/3 cup liquid egg whites (the pasteurized kind, in the carton)
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 cup frozen dark cherries
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
2/3 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1 tsp agave syrup
1 tsp cinnamon

It's pretty good. It gets thick though, so you might want to increase the amount of milk. You can use orange juice if you prefer.

Day Five - How to succeed in exercise without really trying

Ohhh... Friday. You're so lovely.

Now, if you will all remember yesterday's post, I said I was going to rock today's goal. So...

The Goal:

Rest and relax.

The Reality:

Oh yeah, I rocked that one. And just in time for the Sabbath. My people will be so proud. I passed that test with flying colors. I even took a nap after work. That might have something to do with only getting 4.5 hours of sleep. Clearly, a better sleep routine needs to be added to my personal health goals.

Today's Suck:

Napping after work will probably mean I won't actually get to sleep until later than I ought to tonight, especially since tomorrow is early morning Weight Watchers.

Today's Success:

I am an excellent rester and relaxer. (Actually, I'm really not. I stress things. But I'm working on it).

What shall tomorrow bring? (Pray I'm within my weight limit. I don't want to be charged).

Day Four - Yeah, no, I don't see flying pigs either

In the interest of my DVD that came in the mail today and dinner having to be made, let's jump right into today.

The Goal:

Something with the moniker of "Speed Workout One." (Note: Keanu Reeves not included). In English: Warm up for one mile, do a hard run for 1/2 mile, an easy run for 1/2 mile, a hard run for 1/2 mile, cool down for 1/2-1 mile.

The Reality:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I pretty much figured there was no way in Hell I'd be able to complete this. There are some things I think are much better when they're hard, but a run isn't one of them. Guess what? I was right. I love being right. I don't even care that I couldn't complete the whole workout because being right is awesome. I should know. I have plenty of experience with it.

(Okay, enough of that)

So, stuck with one of the sucky, possessed treadmills that keeps switching inclines and speeds automatically, I had to keep a careful eye on the screen and press lots of buttons. But in the end:

Warm up: one mile, 4-5 mph
Hard run: half-mile, 7.5-8 mph, and HOLY CRAP I ACTUALLY DID THAT. Panting like a bad porn star, but still.
Easy run: half-mile, 5.0-6.0 mph
Hard run: half-mile, 7.5-8 mph, and this is where it shot to hell, because I knocked the little emergency key out of the thing by mistake, the machine cut off and I realized my head actually felt detached from my legs. So since I'm neither a masochist nor a moron (see above re: me being right on a frequent basis), I skipped this last part and went right to...
Cool down:one mile, 4 mph

Today's Suck:

Well, I just said it. I wasn't able to complete the full workout.

Today's Success:

But I ran a freakin' half-mile. Which, for any one of you saying "ooh, big deal, I ran a half-marathon," you are cordially invited to cork it. I have no stamina. This is progress for me.
Oh, and also, my legs hurt less today. I'm not swearing every time I sit down, stand up, or take the steps.

Just a little preview... I am going to ROCK tomorrow's workout. Just sayin'.

Day Three - Feel the Vibrations

...and not the good kind, sadly. You know, I once had a doctor who advised acrobatic sex as a viable form of cardio (Sorry, Dad, if you're reading this).
I have no segue, so let's jump right into: what the hell? It's not like I've never done this before. I've just never been consistent about it. I hear people say that once you get used to exercise, it doesn't hurt so much. Well, that cannot happen fast enough for me. Sometimes I think about those people who run marathons and never consume any sugar, trans fats or salt, and still drop dead of a heart attack.
I think maybe someone pissed someone off. Yeah... hmmmm.... apparently today is the day of no transitions, so let's jump in.

The Goal:
Rest or do 30-45 minutes of cross-training (any cardio other than walking or running).

The Reality:
Taking the rest option was so very, very tempting, but I figured I better not lose what modicum of momentum I have. I wasn't in the mood to go to the office gym (yes, my office has a gym, and there's not much you should be jealous of me for, but if your office doesn't have a gym, that's something, just sayin'), so I decided to pop in the Dancing With the Stars cardio fit DVD.

Little pop trivia sidebar: I love to dance -- swing, ballroom, Latin... it's a blast. I danced in college and I love doing it, but I don't get to very often because, take note, the men in this town are pussies. Actually, the men in most towns are pussies. In my experience, the only men at dance classes are the ones who have been dragged by their women, so the idea of touching another woman is... well, it might not be abhorrent to them, but if dudes are afraid of one thing, it's getting the evil eye from their ladies. Gentlemen, grow a pair. And ladies... really.

Well, suffice to say, most of my opportunity to dance is restricted to the alone in my apartment variety. Which would have been fine. Except the DVD didn't work. (Prayers to the God of Electronics that it's the disc and not my player). Which lead me to.... stairwell suicides.

Yes, I'm sure that going up and down steps counts as walking, to a degree. But I wanted to get something done before I lost my momentum. So up and down and up and down we went, my iPod and me. Up 8, down 8, up 16, down 16, up 24, down 24, up 32, down 32, up 40, down 40, up 48, down 48. Times four stairwells. So that's.... (calculator) up and down 672 steps.

The Result:

Those aforementioned vibrations? The not good kind? The kind Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch were not singing about? Yeah. In my knees. Which, an hour later, are still shaking.

Today's Suck:

Ate a doughnut. I know I'm not doing the deprivation thing, but I also do have to get back on track with not eating sweets or indulgent foods just because they're there, rather than because I really want them. Also, my mental energy was generally low today, which might contribute to my writing something that sounds like it comes from a six-year-old or an accountant.

Today's Success:

Given the option of skipping a workout today, I opted to do one, even if it varied a little from what was suggested in the plan. And... despite my legs hurting like a mother, I didn't fall down.