According to the schedule, today's task was to run or run/walk for 25 minutes. However, I'm feeling lousy and I have vacation days coming up, so I decided to take the night off to down lots of ginger tea and cold medicine and get to sleep early.
Tomorrow is an assigned "rest and relax" day, but I'll report in on how I think this project is going so far.
Until then...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day Ten - Clamming up
Off-topic, but I'm watching the CMA Music Festival on TV, and what in the name of Punky Brewster are some people wearing on that??
Just wondering.
Well, that gave me another five seconds to delay reporting that today's efforts were basically abysmal. To elaborate:
The Goal:
Strength training (yoga, pilates, any toning exercise)
The Reality:
Eschew the idea of going to a yoga class in favor of coming home and "relaxing for a while, then I'll do something in an hour or so."
My intended "something" probably included various arm exercises using my 5lb weights (and those are plenty for me, smirkypants), some stretches and various other lifts, crunches, lunges... whatever I could remember...
But you know what they say about the road to Hell.
Instead, I proceeded to fall asleep for 3.5 hours and not wake up until 10 p.m.
Then, only so I wouldn't have to report a total fail, I completed about 10 minutes of lame exercise (some stretches, leg lifts, squats, girly push ups, etc.) I didn't touch the weights. There's no indication of how long one is meant to "strength train" for, but I'm pretty sure it's more than ten minutes.
Today's Suck:
Besides completely throwing off my circadian rhythm yet again and doing a half-hearted half-workout? I could only do ten girly push ups tonight before I got too tired. Ten. I met a 69-year-old woman who can do 50. Seriously. And she can do the splits.
Today's Success:
I tried a new exercise called a clam. It's pilates-related. It looks like this (without the band) http://www.ehow.co.uk/video_4953442_pilates-stretch-band-exercises-clam.html. (By the way, her tone of voice is another reason I can't stand exercise classes. That and the people who take the classes who are in better shape than I am.) This clam thing works the hell of your backside, which means I better get a really cute ass if I keep doing it.
Hmmm.... what to have for dinner at 11 p.m.??
Just wondering.
Well, that gave me another five seconds to delay reporting that today's efforts were basically abysmal. To elaborate:
The Goal:
Strength training (yoga, pilates, any toning exercise)
The Reality:
Eschew the idea of going to a yoga class in favor of coming home and "relaxing for a while, then I'll do something in an hour or so."
My intended "something" probably included various arm exercises using my 5lb weights (and those are plenty for me, smirkypants), some stretches and various other lifts, crunches, lunges... whatever I could remember...
But you know what they say about the road to Hell.
Instead, I proceeded to fall asleep for 3.5 hours and not wake up until 10 p.m.
Then, only so I wouldn't have to report a total fail, I completed about 10 minutes of lame exercise (some stretches, leg lifts, squats, girly push ups, etc.) I didn't touch the weights. There's no indication of how long one is meant to "strength train" for, but I'm pretty sure it's more than ten minutes.
Today's Suck:
Besides completely throwing off my circadian rhythm yet again and doing a half-hearted half-workout? I could only do ten girly push ups tonight before I got too tired. Ten. I met a 69-year-old woman who can do 50. Seriously. And she can do the splits.
Today's Success:
I tried a new exercise called a clam. It's pilates-related. It looks like this (without the band) http://www.ehow.co.uk/video_4953442_pilates-stretch-band-exercises-clam.html. (By the way, her tone of voice is another reason I can't stand exercise classes. That and the people who take the classes who are in better shape than I am.) This clam thing works the hell of your backside, which means I better get a really cute ass if I keep doing it.
Hmmm.... what to have for dinner at 11 p.m.??
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Day Nine - Reading signs
First, I'd like to apologize to the woman I mistook for a dog.
Second, today I learned an important lesson. It's important to look for signs. Not cosmic signs - this is not the spiritual mumbo jumbo blog - actual signs. Like, with words. Or sometimes pictures. You'll understand soon enough.
Let me tell you, muffins, I had no desire to go out running today. None. Work was... tiring, let's say, and really, I just wanted to come home and veg out, as the kids say. "The kids" being me and my peers in the midst of our 1990's adolescence.
But.... I'm pretending I'm accountable to people reading this thing (are there people reading this thing? I might not want to know the answer if it's no), so off I went. I really don't understand the people who eagerly "hit the gym" after work each day. I'm wholly convinced that there was some sort of electroshocktherapy in there somewhere. Or maybe hypnosis by treadmill. Don't ask me.
There's an idea for a horror movie... a possessed elliptical machine that keeps people... um, ellipting (?) until they drop dead. Wes Craven could direct.
Today, however, was not a gym day, but an outside day. I might prefer the possessed elliptical to the Tennessee mugginess, but thank the everloving Lord, the heat seems like it might, maybe, possibly, please God, be breaking soon. But here's how today went down:
The Goal:
Warm up one mile. Switch off every two minutes between a hard run and an easy run, for one mile. Cool down one mile.
The Result:
This is where the sign thing comes in. Because if I'd read the Big Ass Sign on the walking path, I would have known where the one mile mark was and I wouldn't have run an extra half mile, resulting in what I'm sure was some highly attractive panting and wheezing.
Oh and "hard run" in this case meant jog to moderate run, whereas "easy run" meant brisk walk.
Today's Suck:
Other than not seeing the sign and exerting myself more than necessary (gradual, people, remember, we're going to leave the "Push It" mentality to Salt n' Pepa, and I promise that's my last '90s reference of the day), I just really wonder if I'm actually ever going to be able to run (outside) for more than two minutes in a row and even do that without having an borderline asthma attack. And I couldn't even do the hard/easy run thing.
Today's Success:
It's starting to feel really lame to say my success of the day was trying at all. Okay, I actually did the 2 minute run/walk interval thing.... I think before this, I'd been on more of a 1 minute run/two minute walk deal. So, all right, that's progress. At a slimy, slimy snail's pace.
Oh, and I'm going to go get an Italian soda. I'm not even putting that under the suck category because it's something I utterly should not do, but I'm feeling smug in my defiance of should right now.
Second, today I learned an important lesson. It's important to look for signs. Not cosmic signs - this is not the spiritual mumbo jumbo blog - actual signs. Like, with words. Or sometimes pictures. You'll understand soon enough.
Let me tell you, muffins, I had no desire to go out running today. None. Work was... tiring, let's say, and really, I just wanted to come home and veg out, as the kids say. "The kids" being me and my peers in the midst of our 1990's adolescence.
But.... I'm pretending I'm accountable to people reading this thing (are there people reading this thing? I might not want to know the answer if it's no), so off I went. I really don't understand the people who eagerly "hit the gym" after work each day. I'm wholly convinced that there was some sort of electroshocktherapy in there somewhere. Or maybe hypnosis by treadmill. Don't ask me.
There's an idea for a horror movie... a possessed elliptical machine that keeps people... um, ellipting (?) until they drop dead. Wes Craven could direct.
Today, however, was not a gym day, but an outside day. I might prefer the possessed elliptical to the Tennessee mugginess, but thank the everloving Lord, the heat seems like it might, maybe, possibly, please God, be breaking soon. But here's how today went down:
The Goal:
Warm up one mile. Switch off every two minutes between a hard run and an easy run, for one mile. Cool down one mile.
The Result:
This is where the sign thing comes in. Because if I'd read the Big Ass Sign on the walking path, I would have known where the one mile mark was and I wouldn't have run an extra half mile, resulting in what I'm sure was some highly attractive panting and wheezing.
Oh and "hard run" in this case meant jog to moderate run, whereas "easy run" meant brisk walk.
Today's Suck:
Other than not seeing the sign and exerting myself more than necessary (gradual, people, remember, we're going to leave the "Push It" mentality to Salt n' Pepa, and I promise that's my last '90s reference of the day), I just really wonder if I'm actually ever going to be able to run (outside) for more than two minutes in a row and even do that without having an borderline asthma attack. And I couldn't even do the hard/easy run thing.
Today's Success:
It's starting to feel really lame to say my success of the day was trying at all. Okay, I actually did the 2 minute run/walk interval thing.... I think before this, I'd been on more of a 1 minute run/two minute walk deal. So, all right, that's progress. At a slimy, slimy snail's pace.
Oh, and I'm going to go get an Italian soda. I'm not even putting that under the suck category because it's something I utterly should not do, but I'm feeling smug in my defiance of should right now.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Day Eight - Crazy crunchers
One of the reasons I don't like going to the gym is because I never seem to have enough attention span to stay on one piece of equipment (other than possibly a treadmill) long enough to not feel like I'm lacking in some sort of human ability to actually get an effective workout.
Today was definitely an exercise A.D.D. day. And not even in the gym.
The Goal:
Cross train 30-45 minutes
The Result:
As cross training is described as any non-walking or running cardio, I decided to check out some online dance videos. And no, I don't mean the kind you find on YouTube.
First one I found was a Crunch Fitness cardio salsa. From the first minute, it taught me a very important lesson. Crunch Fitness is a crazy place. If I can tell that from the video, I don't want to know what the inside of one of those places is. I got annoyed with it after about 5 minutes.
So then I went to my Dancing With the Stars DVD. Here's the thing: I really love dancing with a partner. I like having a lead. But when it comes to dancing by myself, trying to follow steps and an order, there's one problem: I have trouble with my left and right. Yeah, I know. I'm 30 and I still have to make the L sign with my fingers to know which one is my left hand. Don't start with me.
So between that and the whole going the opposite way of the person you're facing on the screen... well, I like having a lead. So that lasted.... maybe 15 minutes? I didn't keep track.
So attempt three. My hula hoop. This one I'm pretty good at, and I can do it to music or in front of the TV. Putting on the DVD of Glee, which is kind of flippin' charming, accomplished both. So, again, didn't time it, but I'm guessing about 20 minutes.
I think it might have been easier to have just sucked up an elliptical, but I rarely last more than ten minutes on those things.
Maybe I should think about getting a bike. I'd like one in pink. With a basket.
Today's Suck:
Today I had the attention span of a three year old. I'm not sure if I actually did work out the full 30 minute minimum (I think I did) and while I did break a sweat... I don't know, I just kind of feel like I slacked on it today.
Today's Success:
Well, the point is to slowly develop an exercise routine, not to be a Spandex-clad gym bitch. So the fact that I tried again after one thing failed me (or I failed at it) is a good sign. Also, I confirmed that my Crunch of choice is Nestle's (though if you're going standard American chocolate, Hershey's is far, far superior).
Today was definitely an exercise A.D.D. day. And not even in the gym.
The Goal:
Cross train 30-45 minutes
The Result:
As cross training is described as any non-walking or running cardio, I decided to check out some online dance videos. And no, I don't mean the kind you find on YouTube.
First one I found was a Crunch Fitness cardio salsa. From the first minute, it taught me a very important lesson. Crunch Fitness is a crazy place. If I can tell that from the video, I don't want to know what the inside of one of those places is. I got annoyed with it after about 5 minutes.
So then I went to my Dancing With the Stars DVD. Here's the thing: I really love dancing with a partner. I like having a lead. But when it comes to dancing by myself, trying to follow steps and an order, there's one problem: I have trouble with my left and right. Yeah, I know. I'm 30 and I still have to make the L sign with my fingers to know which one is my left hand. Don't start with me.
So between that and the whole going the opposite way of the person you're facing on the screen... well, I like having a lead. So that lasted.... maybe 15 minutes? I didn't keep track.
So attempt three. My hula hoop. This one I'm pretty good at, and I can do it to music or in front of the TV. Putting on the DVD of Glee, which is kind of flippin' charming, accomplished both. So, again, didn't time it, but I'm guessing about 20 minutes.
I think it might have been easier to have just sucked up an elliptical, but I rarely last more than ten minutes on those things.
Maybe I should think about getting a bike. I'd like one in pink. With a basket.
Today's Suck:
Today I had the attention span of a three year old. I'm not sure if I actually did work out the full 30 minute minimum (I think I did) and while I did break a sweat... I don't know, I just kind of feel like I slacked on it today.
Today's Success:
Well, the point is to slowly develop an exercise routine, not to be a Spandex-clad gym bitch. So the fact that I tried again after one thing failed me (or I failed at it) is a good sign. Also, I confirmed that my Crunch of choice is Nestle's (though if you're going standard American chocolate, Hershey's is far, far superior).
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day Seven - Peanut butter and penance
Tell me: when it is that the notion of a good, old-fashioned PB&J became something associated with guilt? It's really quite irritating.
Here's what happened: I decided I wanted a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. But as peanut butter is my Kryptonite, I don't keep it in the house. So I'm on my way out the door and I can't help thinking that I just shouldn't. Grrrrrrrr......
So instead, I'm making homemade raw mixed nut and seed butter in my food processor, to be eaten with organic superfruit spread on locally baked multigrain bread. Which is tasty and all, but sometimes you just want to go old school, you know?
Hey, at least I'm better about it than a lot of people. You know them: "Oh god, no! No! I can't have bread! Nuts have fat!" Insert weeping and pants-wetting... yeah, all right, I'm in good shape.
All right, let's go from bringing in calories to burning them off.
The Goal:
Rest and relax
The Result:
As awesome as I am at not working out, I wanted to make up for yesterday's total fail. So when I woke up (involuntarily) at 6:30 this morning, I decided to go out and complete yesterday's one mile run/run-walk. Which was followed by my staggering back into bed and oversleeping.
Today's Suck:
Even though my walk-run was probably 75% walk (the run part included about a 50 yard full out sprint), it still took a lot out of me. I wonder if that has anything to do with not drinking any water beforehand?*
Today's Success:
Getting my ass out of bed and exercising, even if it was only temporary consciousness; making a healthier choice in terms of food.
*Yes, I am a master of logic.
Here's what happened: I decided I wanted a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. But as peanut butter is my Kryptonite, I don't keep it in the house. So I'm on my way out the door and I can't help thinking that I just shouldn't. Grrrrrrrr......
So instead, I'm making homemade raw mixed nut and seed butter in my food processor, to be eaten with organic superfruit spread on locally baked multigrain bread. Which is tasty and all, but sometimes you just want to go old school, you know?
Hey, at least I'm better about it than a lot of people. You know them: "Oh god, no! No! I can't have bread! Nuts have fat!" Insert weeping and pants-wetting... yeah, all right, I'm in good shape.
All right, let's go from bringing in calories to burning them off.
The Goal:
Rest and relax
The Result:
As awesome as I am at not working out, I wanted to make up for yesterday's total fail. So when I woke up (involuntarily) at 6:30 this morning, I decided to go out and complete yesterday's one mile run/run-walk. Which was followed by my staggering back into bed and oversleeping.
Today's Suck:
Even though my walk-run was probably 75% walk (the run part included about a 50 yard full out sprint), it still took a lot out of me. I wonder if that has anything to do with not drinking any water beforehand?*
Today's Success:
Getting my ass out of bed and exercising, even if it was only temporary consciousness; making a healthier choice in terms of food.
*Yes, I am a master of logic.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day Six - Something about eating
What's the saying about eating something or being eaten? Does it mean some days you do good and other days you don't? Odd expressions we have.
The Goal:
Run or run-walk one mile.
The Reality:
Yeah, massive fail today. I planned to get up and go to the gym before the 9 a.m. Weight Watchers meeting. Oddly, falling asleep at 3:30 a.m. made that not happen. Funny that, eh? But I did get to the meeting.
Around 10:15, I put on my sneakers and headed out. And... made it about 100 yards before every fiber of my being was saying "the hell with this," so back home for Holly.
Which apparently was the predecessor to me catching up on that lost sleep.
And I intended to actually get out or to the gym in the late afternoon, but.... you know what they say about the road to Hell. Sigh.
Saturday Special: The Weigh-In Day (one Saturday a month and possibly one day a week depending on certain red tape):
138 lbs
Today's Suck:
See above. Total fail on the goal. Oh, and I've gained 3 lbs in the last six weeks.
Today's Success:
Ummmm.... I didn't go out and eat copious amounts of pizza and ice cream? Oh, I made a good smoothie. Try this.
3 cups spinach
1/3 cup liquid egg whites (the pasteurized kind, in the carton)
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 cup frozen dark cherries
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
2/3 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1 tsp agave syrup
1 tsp cinnamon
It's pretty good. It gets thick though, so you might want to increase the amount of milk. You can use orange juice if you prefer.
The Goal:
Run or run-walk one mile.
The Reality:
Yeah, massive fail today. I planned to get up and go to the gym before the 9 a.m. Weight Watchers meeting. Oddly, falling asleep at 3:30 a.m. made that not happen. Funny that, eh? But I did get to the meeting.
Around 10:15, I put on my sneakers and headed out. And... made it about 100 yards before every fiber of my being was saying "the hell with this," so back home for Holly.
Which apparently was the predecessor to me catching up on that lost sleep.
And I intended to actually get out or to the gym in the late afternoon, but.... you know what they say about the road to Hell. Sigh.
Saturday Special: The Weigh-In Day (one Saturday a month and possibly one day a week depending on certain red tape):
138 lbs
Today's Suck:
See above. Total fail on the goal. Oh, and I've gained 3 lbs in the last six weeks.
Today's Success:
Ummmm.... I didn't go out and eat copious amounts of pizza and ice cream? Oh, I made a good smoothie. Try this.
3 cups spinach
1/3 cup liquid egg whites (the pasteurized kind, in the carton)
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 cup frozen dark cherries
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
2/3 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1 tsp agave syrup
1 tsp cinnamon
It's pretty good. It gets thick though, so you might want to increase the amount of milk. You can use orange juice if you prefer.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day Five - How to succeed in exercise without really trying
Ohhh... Friday. You're so lovely.
Now, if you will all remember yesterday's post, I said I was going to rock today's goal. So...
The Goal:
Rest and relax.
The Reality:
Oh yeah, I rocked that one. And just in time for the Sabbath. My people will be so proud. I passed that test with flying colors. I even took a nap after work. That might have something to do with only getting 4.5 hours of sleep. Clearly, a better sleep routine needs to be added to my personal health goals.
Today's Suck:
Napping after work will probably mean I won't actually get to sleep until later than I ought to tonight, especially since tomorrow is early morning Weight Watchers.
Today's Success:
I am an excellent rester and relaxer. (Actually, I'm really not. I stress things. But I'm working on it).
What shall tomorrow bring? (Pray I'm within my weight limit. I don't want to be charged).
Now, if you will all remember yesterday's post, I said I was going to rock today's goal. So...
The Goal:
Rest and relax.
The Reality:
Oh yeah, I rocked that one. And just in time for the Sabbath. My people will be so proud. I passed that test with flying colors. I even took a nap after work. That might have something to do with only getting 4.5 hours of sleep. Clearly, a better sleep routine needs to be added to my personal health goals.
Today's Suck:
Napping after work will probably mean I won't actually get to sleep until later than I ought to tonight, especially since tomorrow is early morning Weight Watchers.
Today's Success:
I am an excellent rester and relaxer. (Actually, I'm really not. I stress things. But I'm working on it).
What shall tomorrow bring? (Pray I'm within my weight limit. I don't want to be charged).
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day Four - Yeah, no, I don't see flying pigs either
In the interest of my DVD that came in the mail today and dinner having to be made, let's jump right into today.
The Goal:
Something with the moniker of "Speed Workout One." (Note: Keanu Reeves not included). In English: Warm up for one mile, do a hard run for 1/2 mile, an easy run for 1/2 mile, a hard run for 1/2 mile, cool down for 1/2-1 mile.
The Reality:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I pretty much figured there was no way in Hell I'd be able to complete this. There are some things I think are much better when they're hard, but a run isn't one of them. Guess what? I was right. I love being right. I don't even care that I couldn't complete the whole workout because being right is awesome. I should know. I have plenty of experience with it.
(Okay, enough of that)
So, stuck with one of the sucky, possessed treadmills that keeps switching inclines and speeds automatically, I had to keep a careful eye on the screen and press lots of buttons. But in the end:
Warm up: one mile, 4-5 mph
Hard run: half-mile, 7.5-8 mph, and HOLY CRAP I ACTUALLY DID THAT. Panting like a bad porn star, but still.
Easy run: half-mile, 5.0-6.0 mph
Hard run: half-mile, 7.5-8 mph, and this is where it shot to hell, because I knocked the little emergency key out of the thing by mistake, the machine cut off and I realized my head actually felt detached from my legs. So since I'm neither a masochist nor a moron (see above re: me being right on a frequent basis), I skipped this last part and went right to...
Cool down:one mile, 4 mph
Today's Suck:
Well, I just said it. I wasn't able to complete the full workout.
Today's Success:
But I ran a freakin' half-mile. Which, for any one of you saying "ooh, big deal, I ran a half-marathon," you are cordially invited to cork it. I have no stamina. This is progress for me.
Oh, and also, my legs hurt less today. I'm not swearing every time I sit down, stand up, or take the steps.
Just a little preview... I am going to ROCK tomorrow's workout. Just sayin'.
The Goal:
Something with the moniker of "Speed Workout One." (Note: Keanu Reeves not included). In English: Warm up for one mile, do a hard run for 1/2 mile, an easy run for 1/2 mile, a hard run for 1/2 mile, cool down for 1/2-1 mile.
The Reality:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I pretty much figured there was no way in Hell I'd be able to complete this. There are some things I think are much better when they're hard, but a run isn't one of them. Guess what? I was right. I love being right. I don't even care that I couldn't complete the whole workout because being right is awesome. I should know. I have plenty of experience with it.
(Okay, enough of that)
So, stuck with one of the sucky, possessed treadmills that keeps switching inclines and speeds automatically, I had to keep a careful eye on the screen and press lots of buttons. But in the end:
Warm up: one mile, 4-5 mph
Hard run: half-mile, 7.5-8 mph, and HOLY CRAP I ACTUALLY DID THAT. Panting like a bad porn star, but still.
Easy run: half-mile, 5.0-6.0 mph
Hard run: half-mile, 7.5-8 mph, and this is where it shot to hell, because I knocked the little emergency key out of the thing by mistake, the machine cut off and I realized my head actually felt detached from my legs. So since I'm neither a masochist nor a moron (see above re: me being right on a frequent basis), I skipped this last part and went right to...
Cool down:one mile, 4 mph
Today's Suck:
Well, I just said it. I wasn't able to complete the full workout.
Today's Success:
But I ran a freakin' half-mile. Which, for any one of you saying "ooh, big deal, I ran a half-marathon," you are cordially invited to cork it. I have no stamina. This is progress for me.
Oh, and also, my legs hurt less today. I'm not swearing every time I sit down, stand up, or take the steps.
Just a little preview... I am going to ROCK tomorrow's workout. Just sayin'.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Day Three - Feel the Vibrations
...and not the good kind, sadly. You know, I once had a doctor who advised acrobatic sex as a viable form of cardio (Sorry, Dad, if you're reading this).
I have no segue, so let's jump right into: what the hell? It's not like I've never done this before. I've just never been consistent about it. I hear people say that once you get used to exercise, it doesn't hurt so much. Well, that cannot happen fast enough for me. Sometimes I think about those people who run marathons and never consume any sugar, trans fats or salt, and still drop dead of a heart attack.
I think maybe someone pissed someone off. Yeah... hmmmm.... apparently today is the day of no transitions, so let's jump in.
The Goal:
Rest or do 30-45 minutes of cross-training (any cardio other than walking or running).
The Reality:
Taking the rest option was so very, very tempting, but I figured I better not lose what modicum of momentum I have. I wasn't in the mood to go to the office gym (yes, my office has a gym, and there's not much you should be jealous of me for, but if your office doesn't have a gym, that's something, just sayin'), so I decided to pop in the Dancing With the Stars cardio fit DVD.
Little pop trivia sidebar: I love to dance -- swing, ballroom, Latin... it's a blast. I danced in college and I love doing it, but I don't get to very often because, take note, the men in this town are pussies. Actually, the men in most towns are pussies. In my experience, the only men at dance classes are the ones who have been dragged by their women, so the idea of touching another woman is... well, it might not be abhorrent to them, but if dudes are afraid of one thing, it's getting the evil eye from their ladies. Gentlemen, grow a pair. And ladies... really.
Well, suffice to say, most of my opportunity to dance is restricted to the alone in my apartment variety. Which would have been fine. Except the DVD didn't work. (Prayers to the God of Electronics that it's the disc and not my player). Which lead me to.... stairwell suicides.
Yes, I'm sure that going up and down steps counts as walking, to a degree. But I wanted to get something done before I lost my momentum. So up and down and up and down we went, my iPod and me. Up 8, down 8, up 16, down 16, up 24, down 24, up 32, down 32, up 40, down 40, up 48, down 48. Times four stairwells. So that's.... (calculator) up and down 672 steps.
The Result:
Those aforementioned vibrations? The not good kind? The kind Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch were not singing about? Yeah. In my knees. Which, an hour later, are still shaking.
Today's Suck:
Ate a doughnut. I know I'm not doing the deprivation thing, but I also do have to get back on track with not eating sweets or indulgent foods just because they're there, rather than because I really want them. Also, my mental energy was generally low today, which might contribute to my writing something that sounds like it comes from a six-year-old or an accountant.
Today's Success:
Given the option of skipping a workout today, I opted to do one, even if it varied a little from what was suggested in the plan. And... despite my legs hurting like a mother, I didn't fall down.
I have no segue, so let's jump right into: what the hell? It's not like I've never done this before. I've just never been consistent about it. I hear people say that once you get used to exercise, it doesn't hurt so much. Well, that cannot happen fast enough for me. Sometimes I think about those people who run marathons and never consume any sugar, trans fats or salt, and still drop dead of a heart attack.
I think maybe someone pissed someone off. Yeah... hmmmm.... apparently today is the day of no transitions, so let's jump in.
The Goal:
Rest or do 30-45 minutes of cross-training (any cardio other than walking or running).
The Reality:
Taking the rest option was so very, very tempting, but I figured I better not lose what modicum of momentum I have. I wasn't in the mood to go to the office gym (yes, my office has a gym, and there's not much you should be jealous of me for, but if your office doesn't have a gym, that's something, just sayin'), so I decided to pop in the Dancing With the Stars cardio fit DVD.
Little pop trivia sidebar: I love to dance -- swing, ballroom, Latin... it's a blast. I danced in college and I love doing it, but I don't get to very often because, take note, the men in this town are pussies. Actually, the men in most towns are pussies. In my experience, the only men at dance classes are the ones who have been dragged by their women, so the idea of touching another woman is... well, it might not be abhorrent to them, but if dudes are afraid of one thing, it's getting the evil eye from their ladies. Gentlemen, grow a pair. And ladies... really.
Well, suffice to say, most of my opportunity to dance is restricted to the alone in my apartment variety. Which would have been fine. Except the DVD didn't work. (Prayers to the God of Electronics that it's the disc and not my player). Which lead me to.... stairwell suicides.
Yes, I'm sure that going up and down steps counts as walking, to a degree. But I wanted to get something done before I lost my momentum. So up and down and up and down we went, my iPod and me. Up 8, down 8, up 16, down 16, up 24, down 24, up 32, down 32, up 40, down 40, up 48, down 48. Times four stairwells. So that's.... (calculator) up and down 672 steps.
The Result:
Those aforementioned vibrations? The not good kind? The kind Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch were not singing about? Yeah. In my knees. Which, an hour later, are still shaking.
Today's Suck:
Ate a doughnut. I know I'm not doing the deprivation thing, but I also do have to get back on track with not eating sweets or indulgent foods just because they're there, rather than because I really want them. Also, my mental energy was generally low today, which might contribute to my writing something that sounds like it comes from a six-year-old or an accountant.
Today's Success:
Given the option of skipping a workout today, I opted to do one, even if it varied a little from what was suggested in the plan. And... despite my legs hurting like a mother, I didn't fall down.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day Two - The Not-So-Jaunty Jalopy
Dear People who love running/working out and who wax enthusiastic about how amazing it feels:
I am officially convinced that you are a) on steroids, b) on amphetamines, c) were dropped on your heads as babies, d) lying, e) any combination of the above. Be honest. It sucks, doesn't it? Your secret's safe with me (and the blogosphere). Kisses, Holly
Anyway, today. Day Two of however long I survive this.
The Goal:
Run or run-walk 25 minutes. (*Please note, I don't know if "run-walk" means a very speedy walk or a pattern of alternating running and walking).
The Reality:
My legs and rear are annoyingly sore from yesterday's "strength training" exploits, and as there was no way in Hell I was going to be able to run for 25 minutes, I opted for the run-walk option, which consisted of about five minutes total of me running for very short bursts in the midst of walking at a faster-than-moderate, but not power walking pace. I did this for 35 minutes rather than 25, not because I thought it would be best to put in the extra time, but because I was 10 minutes from home once I hit the 25 minute mark, so I kind of had to get there anyway.
Since I'm an out of shape lout, it wasn't long before I was wheezing like a jalopy and getting kind of queasy. Were I one of those "push it" schmucks, I might have run till I puked, then kept going, but seeing as how I have a brain in my skull, I did not do this. Instead, those were the times I would slow down to a brisk walk for a while before picking up speed again.
Toward the end, I tried to do some moves called "knee hugs" (raise up the knees as you walk) and "butt kicks" (bring the heels to the behind), but my legs were so floppy, they just kept on slamming haphazardly about. I'm fairly certain I must have looked, to those around me, like someone with tertiary syphilis or a heroin addiction, so I opted to just walk like a normal human being instead.
Also, who are we kidding? I've seen people do stuff like that in public and it looks really douchey. My apologies. I promise not to do shit like that again. It's akin to jogging in place at a stoplight. Again, sorry.
Oh, also, even after showering, my cheeks are still bright red. I look ridiculous, almost foppish. And it's a shame, because today was actually a pretty cute day. Guess that's shot.
Today's Suck:
Well, it was another vending machine happy day (peanut butter crackers, sun chips, pretzels). And once again, I didn't count my Weight Watcher's points. I really should do that, seeing as how I pay the company money to have access to their online stuff. I must learn to do something about my snacking habits. I'm a grazer, and I'm orally fixated, which means I constantly put things in my mouth (yeah, I know, insert blow job joke here). So I think I have to start keeping lots of snacks of all different tastes and textures in my desk, so at least I can control what my options are. Anyone have any good suggestions?
Today's Success:
I didn't leave the office until 8:15 p.m. The fact that I came home and actually went out run-walking at all rather than watching youtube videos with a bowl of cereal is a success, damn it.
I am officially convinced that you are a) on steroids, b) on amphetamines, c) were dropped on your heads as babies, d) lying, e) any combination of the above. Be honest. It sucks, doesn't it? Your secret's safe with me (and the blogosphere). Kisses, Holly
Anyway, today. Day Two of however long I survive this.
The Goal:
Run or run-walk 25 minutes. (*Please note, I don't know if "run-walk" means a very speedy walk or a pattern of alternating running and walking).
The Reality:
My legs and rear are annoyingly sore from yesterday's "strength training" exploits, and as there was no way in Hell I was going to be able to run for 25 minutes, I opted for the run-walk option, which consisted of about five minutes total of me running for very short bursts in the midst of walking at a faster-than-moderate, but not power walking pace. I did this for 35 minutes rather than 25, not because I thought it would be best to put in the extra time, but because I was 10 minutes from home once I hit the 25 minute mark, so I kind of had to get there anyway.
Since I'm an out of shape lout, it wasn't long before I was wheezing like a jalopy and getting kind of queasy. Were I one of those "push it" schmucks, I might have run till I puked, then kept going, but seeing as how I have a brain in my skull, I did not do this. Instead, those were the times I would slow down to a brisk walk for a while before picking up speed again.
Toward the end, I tried to do some moves called "knee hugs" (raise up the knees as you walk) and "butt kicks" (bring the heels to the behind), but my legs were so floppy, they just kept on slamming haphazardly about. I'm fairly certain I must have looked, to those around me, like someone with tertiary syphilis or a heroin addiction, so I opted to just walk like a normal human being instead.
Also, who are we kidding? I've seen people do stuff like that in public and it looks really douchey. My apologies. I promise not to do shit like that again. It's akin to jogging in place at a stoplight. Again, sorry.
Oh, also, even after showering, my cheeks are still bright red. I look ridiculous, almost foppish. And it's a shame, because today was actually a pretty cute day. Guess that's shot.
Today's Suck:
Well, it was another vending machine happy day (peanut butter crackers, sun chips, pretzels). And once again, I didn't count my Weight Watcher's points. I really should do that, seeing as how I pay the company money to have access to their online stuff. I must learn to do something about my snacking habits. I'm a grazer, and I'm orally fixated, which means I constantly put things in my mouth (yeah, I know, insert blow job joke here). So I think I have to start keeping lots of snacks of all different tastes and textures in my desk, so at least I can control what my options are. Anyone have any good suggestions?
Today's Success:
I didn't leave the office until 8:15 p.m. The fact that I came home and actually went out run-walking at all rather than watching youtube videos with a bowl of cereal is a success, damn it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day One - Gay Yoga Porn
In order to give myself some guidelines for this little project, I'm following a Self Magazine training plan that tells people (presumably women) how to train for a 5k, 10k, half-marathon. (Should I link it? Obviously, doing so is more informative, but I feel like it just takes away some of the mystery). Anyway, I really don't have any intentions of race running, but since running seems cheap and efficient (which, trust me, I love), I thought I might try learning how to do so. So, day one.
The Goal: Strength Training.
This is classified as yoga, Pilates or toning exercises. The little chart doesn't actually indicate how long one is supposed to "strength train for." I figured I'd do it until I was cursing a blue streak.
The Reality:
Money is tight right now, so I didn't want to shell out for a yoga class. So I hit up Netflix to see what instructional videos I could find. And while there are several I'm sure are greatly helpful, the most interesting one was titled "Hot Male Yoga."
Yes, that's correct. "Hot. Male. Yoga." It features three chiseled and shiny young stallions doing rather poor yoga on a mountaintop clad in shiny white thongs. So basically, yoga porn. I spent about four minutes watching this, staring directly at their groins, because it's physically impossible not to stare at a man's groin when he's wearing Spandex, had a few good laughs and turned it off.
After that, I wasn't really in the mood to entertain another fitness video. And let me be blunt: As much as I can appreciate the stretching aspect of yoga, some days I'm not in the mood to be told to "salute the sun" or be a warrior woman. There are times when I can be all about the namaste. Other times, I just think it's a little fruity.
So instead, I popped in the Ally McBeal DVD (episodes with Matthew Perry - so cute) that arrived in the mail today and got to work with my little 5 lb weights. They're purple and girly, if that makes a difference to anyone. I'm not really sure of the names of the exercises I did. There were four different ones that worked the various muscles in my arms (and by "worked" I mean "made them hurt). Then there were some lunges and squat-type things as well. In the parlance of the twinkies, I believe one would say I did two "sets" of ten "reps" each. Or maybe it was three sets. I don't remember. I do know that toward the end, I was taking the name of both the Lord and everyone's mother in vain, so I figure I was being somewhat effective.
Once the weights were put aside, I went to some stretching. As a former gymnast, I'd like to state for the record that my flexibility is abominable, and there are probably 90-year-old women more flexible than I. It's humiliating, even in the privacy of my own home. After that, leg lifts (30 on each leg, the last 8 of which were floppy and wholly ungraceful); girly pushups (20, because that was all I could do); vulgar-looking exercises that involve the raising and lowering of the pelvis while ass-squeezing; and finally, painful abdominal exercises, which consist of raising and lowering both legs toward the ceiling 25 times. It also involved, once again, copious amounts of swearing.
As an encore, shall we say, I attempted to sit in a cross-legged position and breathe in a deep, cleansing manner for five minutes. Today, however, is one of those days I find things like deep, cleansing breathing to be on the fruity side, so I stopped after two minutes.
The Results:
Well, I feel kind of sore all over. Also, I don't think Hot Male Yoga was intended for my demographic. There's just something a little homoerotic about three shiny thong-clad men on a velvet blanket on a mountaintop.
Today's Suck (I was going to say "setback" or "room for improvement," but juxtaposing "suck" and "success" is so much better than whatever self-help book bullshit language one can use to say "today's little fuck up"):
Peanut M&M's. Vending machine. I usually only eat peanut M&M's on trains. It's a strange little quirk I have. For some reason I was inclined toward a bag today. And I ate the whole thing. Plus chocolate covered sunflower seeds as well. What did I tell you? I like chocolate. But the key is moderation. Oh, and I'm totally eating a Weight Watchers Ice Cream bar tonight. No question there. That's not really a suck. Three points! And they taste like Snickers Ice Cream Bars. But I guess I should get back on the point counting bandwagon. We'll see how that one goes.
Today's Success (saving the best for last, kumbaya):
I'm sure I didn't do exactly what the Self editors were thinking about, or what you Twinkies (did you know that's not a word unless it's used as a proper noun? Go Hostess.) might consider strength training, but hey, I was doing weight and stretching type crap for 29 whole minutes, so I think that's pretty damn good for day one.
Oh, also, I'm going to make vegetable soup tonight. Like now. I'm getting hungry.
The Goal: Strength Training.
This is classified as yoga, Pilates or toning exercises. The little chart doesn't actually indicate how long one is supposed to "strength train for." I figured I'd do it until I was cursing a blue streak.
The Reality:
Money is tight right now, so I didn't want to shell out for a yoga class. So I hit up Netflix to see what instructional videos I could find. And while there are several I'm sure are greatly helpful, the most interesting one was titled "Hot Male Yoga."
Yes, that's correct. "Hot. Male. Yoga." It features three chiseled and shiny young stallions doing rather poor yoga on a mountaintop clad in shiny white thongs. So basically, yoga porn. I spent about four minutes watching this, staring directly at their groins, because it's physically impossible not to stare at a man's groin when he's wearing Spandex, had a few good laughs and turned it off.
After that, I wasn't really in the mood to entertain another fitness video. And let me be blunt: As much as I can appreciate the stretching aspect of yoga, some days I'm not in the mood to be told to "salute the sun" or be a warrior woman. There are times when I can be all about the namaste. Other times, I just think it's a little fruity.
So instead, I popped in the Ally McBeal DVD (episodes with Matthew Perry - so cute) that arrived in the mail today and got to work with my little 5 lb weights. They're purple and girly, if that makes a difference to anyone. I'm not really sure of the names of the exercises I did. There were four different ones that worked the various muscles in my arms (and by "worked" I mean "made them hurt). Then there were some lunges and squat-type things as well. In the parlance of the twinkies, I believe one would say I did two "sets" of ten "reps" each. Or maybe it was three sets. I don't remember. I do know that toward the end, I was taking the name of both the Lord and everyone's mother in vain, so I figure I was being somewhat effective.
Once the weights were put aside, I went to some stretching. As a former gymnast, I'd like to state for the record that my flexibility is abominable, and there are probably 90-year-old women more flexible than I. It's humiliating, even in the privacy of my own home. After that, leg lifts (30 on each leg, the last 8 of which were floppy and wholly ungraceful); girly pushups (20, because that was all I could do); vulgar-looking exercises that involve the raising and lowering of the pelvis while ass-squeezing; and finally, painful abdominal exercises, which consist of raising and lowering both legs toward the ceiling 25 times. It also involved, once again, copious amounts of swearing.
As an encore, shall we say, I attempted to sit in a cross-legged position and breathe in a deep, cleansing manner for five minutes. Today, however, is one of those days I find things like deep, cleansing breathing to be on the fruity side, so I stopped after two minutes.
The Results:
Well, I feel kind of sore all over. Also, I don't think Hot Male Yoga was intended for my demographic. There's just something a little homoerotic about three shiny thong-clad men on a velvet blanket on a mountaintop.
Today's Suck (I was going to say "setback" or "room for improvement," but juxtaposing "suck" and "success" is so much better than whatever self-help book bullshit language one can use to say "today's little fuck up"):
Peanut M&M's. Vending machine. I usually only eat peanut M&M's on trains. It's a strange little quirk I have. For some reason I was inclined toward a bag today. And I ate the whole thing. Plus chocolate covered sunflower seeds as well. What did I tell you? I like chocolate. But the key is moderation. Oh, and I'm totally eating a Weight Watchers Ice Cream bar tonight. No question there. That's not really a suck. Three points! And they taste like Snickers Ice Cream Bars. But I guess I should get back on the point counting bandwagon. We'll see how that one goes.
Today's Success (saving the best for last, kumbaya):
I'm sure I didn't do exactly what the Self editors were thinking about, or what you Twinkies (did you know that's not a word unless it's used as a proper noun? Go Hostess.) might consider strength training, but hey, I was doing weight and stretching type crap for 29 whole minutes, so I think that's pretty damn good for day one.
Oh, also, I'm going to make vegetable soup tonight. Like now. I'm getting hungry.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What the hell am I getting myself into?
Here’s the deal:
I am about the world’s worst worker-outer. I hate the gym. I have no attention span to spend an hour on an elliptical machine, and I think those of you who do must be insane. I’ve been known to refer to the perfectly toned ladies who climb Stairwells in sports bras as twinkies, and I have no plans to stop. I’m wary of anyone who does anything called a “squat thrust” in public. That just seems wrong.
I am about the world’s worst worker-outer. I hate the gym. I have no attention span to spend an hour on an elliptical machine, and I think those of you who do must be insane. I’ve been known to refer to the perfectly toned ladies who climb Stairwells in sports bras as twinkies, and I have no plans to stop. I’m wary of anyone who does anything called a “squat thrust” in public. That just seems wrong.
I also have terrible stamina. Even in the best shape of my life, I would run out of breath quickly. I’m not a sexy exerciser. I get red-faced, sweaty, gross, panting, frizzy… it happens way too fast; it’s really just unattractive. And it hurts. So that, combined with the fact that I now live in the revoltingly humid South, does not really encourage me to be terribly active.
Oh, and my attitude sucks. Let’s just get that out there. I’ve never been inclined to try new things unless everyone else around me is also brand new at it. I don’t like feeling like the remedial kid. I’ve never liked to make a fool of myself. So there’s a lot that I don’t do.
But here’s what’s really what: I’m thirty. I have no kids, yet, but I want to be able to have healthy pregnancies. I have no reliable exercise routine. I’m actually in a normal weight range for the first time in about… six or seven years, maybe? No, probably more than that. Anyway, the point is, I was fat. Before that, however, I was skinny. Too skinny. Then I got fat. Now I’m healthy. And I’m actually at least quasi-satisfied with how I look.
And so… my goals:
1) To establish a healthy exercise routine
2) To learn to not hate exercise
3) To achieve and maintain my weight in the high 120′s, not below 126 lbs (I’ll track that each week).
4) To look good naked (and also clothed, but Spanx were not invented for naked people)
5) To one day be a hot momma, because really, who doesn’t want to be MILF-y?
To this end, I will do my best to:
1) Follow a prescribed exercise training routine (I found one in Self magazine and that’s as good a source as any, so why the hell not?)
2) Honestly record my efforts, including all setbacks.
3) Eat healthfully, putting to use what I’ve learned as a member of Weight Watchers (I recommend this program)
4) Develop healthy eating and exercise habits, in a manner that I can maintain as a lifestyle, not as a diet.
5) Have a good attitude about all of this, because really I’m doing it for myself, so if I don’t proceed with at least a modicum of positivity, why should I expect anyone else to give a damn?
However, I will not:
1) Deprive myself. Dried fruit and lemon water is not a meal. I love chocolate. I have a sweet tooth. I’ve recently discovered an affection for Irish cheddar cheese. I eat carbs. Deal with it.
2) Run a half-marathon. God knows when these became so trendy, but suddenly everyone and his brother is running a half-marathon. If I can run one mile without feeling like I’m going to throw up, that’ll be a success.
3) Acquire a “bikini body.” I hate bikinis. They’re undignified. You’re wearing your bra and underwear in public. I’m a lady. I don’t do that. I could weigh 95 pounds and I wouldn’t wear one.
4) Adopt any irritating 1980′s sporting mentalities like “push it” or “no pain, no gain” or “feel the burn.” Listen, if something hurts, I’m stopping, slowing down, going back, changing it up. The goal here is to establish a healthier lifestyle, not give myself shin splints and dry heaves.
5) Punish myself for setbacks. There are bound to be bad days. Everyone fucks up. Oh well.
So tomorrow begins day one. And frankly, I am feeling neither “pumped” nor “psyched” nor any other steroid-induced colloquialism conveying eagerness. Which tells me I probably need to get this thing started.
This project will be one of three things: a success, a failure, or a little bit of both. I suspect it's mostly likely to be the last.
Well, all right then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)